This May Be Why Your Kids Don’t Act Grateful

Have you ever thought your kids could be a little more grateful? You’re not the only one. With Thanksgiving around the corner, it has me thinking about how to raise my daughters to be grateful people. Of course, I encourage them to say thank you, but I’ve come to find there is a big difference between teaching them to simply say those words and actually being grateful. When doing some research, I discovered that there is a clear reason why our kids don’t act grateful - we don’t teach them.

You Haven’t Taught the 4 Parts of Gratitude

According to Greater Good Magazine, “Research suggests that the experience of gratitude has four parts, but we rarely teach all of them to our kids.” The majority of parents focus solely on what children DO to show gratitude (i.e., saying “thank you”). However, there are three other parts of gratitude that should come into play before we actually show gratitude.

Here is an explanation from the Raising Grateful Kids project at UNC Chapel Hill.

Based on the scientific literature and our conversations with parents, we’ve come to think about gratitude as an experience that has four parts:

• What we NOTICE in our lives for which we can be grateful

• How we THINK about why we have been given those things

• How we FEEL about the things we have been given

• What we DO to express appreciation in turn

In order for kids to learn to be grateful, they have to work their way through these four parts. But, most parents tend to stick to part number four: what we do to express appreciation (say, “thank you”).

Put It Into Practice

Fortunately, once you understand that there are four parts to gratitude, it is easier to teach your children gratitude.

• NOTICE – Start by helping your kids notice the things in their life they are grateful for beyond a gift, such as being grateful for the person who gave it to them being in their life.

• THINK – Move on to helping your kid think about the gift. Greater Good recommends the following questions: “Why do you think you received this gift? Do you think you owe the giver something in return? Do you think you earned the gift because of something you did yourself? Do you think the gift was something the giver had to give you? If you answered no to these questions, then you may be more likely to be grateful.”

• FEEL – Ask your kid how the gift makes your child feel (such as happy) and what about the gift makes them feel this way.

• DO – What can you DO to show appreciation for this gift? Greater Good explains, “Prompting children after experiences of gratitude in order to motivate acts of gratitude, whether they be acts of appreciation or paying it forward, may help children connect their experiences and actions in the world.”

Model the Four Parts of Gratitude for Your Kids

Ultimately, the best way to teach your kids gratitude is to act grateful yourself. Let’s say a stranger ahead of you in line buys your Starbucks.

• NOTICE – Wow! I am so grateful that there are kind people in the world like that nice man.

• THINK – I didn’t even do anything for him to pay for my drink. What a kind gesture! Hmmm, maybe I should do something kind in return.

• FEEL – That small gift from a stranger made me feel so good inside.

• DO – Thank the stranger and then pay it forward and buy the person behind you a coffee.

Teaching Kids How to Graciously Accept Gifts of All Kinds

We’ve all been there. Our child has been given a gift and had a super embarrassing response, such as “I don’t want this,” “I already have this one,” or they toss it aside like it is nothing. And, as their mom, you want to crawl under a rock. First, please know that this is a rite of passage for all parents during the holiday season. It does not mean you are a bad mom, or you are raising naughty children. The truth is kids have to be taught how to graciously accept gifts – even gifts they may not want.

Talk to Kids Beforehand

The first thing you need to do is talk to your kids beforehand about your expectations. Don’t expect kids to know they shouldn’t tell grandma they don’t like something if you have been raising them to be truthful. That is hard for little ones to understand. Instead, explain that they may receive gifts they don’t like or that they already have. In these cases, they should say “thank you” rather than something that may hurt the gift giver’s feelings. Depending on your situation, you may also want to explain what they should expect, such as “Uncle Joe is giving you one small thing, so don’t look for more gifts.”

Gifts are Not Owed

An important thing to teach kids is that they are not owed gifts. This is difficult for them to grasp, so just stick to explaining the word gift means “something given” instead of something expected or demanded. You may want to explain that the gift-giver spent their time and money finding their gift, so it is rude to act ungrateful – no matter what the gift is.

Set Gift Receiving Rules

As a family, define your gift receiving rules. For example, your family may decide that you will open one present at a time instead of everyone opening everything at once. Another rule is to a say kind “thank you” after opening each gift.

Describe Unacceptable Responses

Along these same lines, you should also explain what responses to gifts are unacceptable. Some examples include:

• A sarcastic or rude “thank you”

• I don’t want this

• I don’t like this

• What else did you get me?

• Is this all?

• I already have this

A good way to make this stick is to have your kids consider how they would feel if someone responded in these ways to their gifts.

You’re Welcome

Along with teaching your kids to say “thank you,” you should also teach them how to handle being the gift giver. The holiday season is the perfect time to teach kids how to say, “You’re welcome” when they are thanked.

Model It for Your Kids

Finally, and most importantly, model how to graciously accept gifts to your children. They are watching you. If you say “thank you” and show genuine enthusiasm for the gifts you receive, they will be more likely to follow your example.

What tips do you have to help other parents handle holiday gift receiving?